Feb 10
22
Forgiveness
You’ll hear a great deal about forgiveness as you progress through your day; whether at work or home it doesn’t really matter, you have to deal with forgiveness situations. How much consideration do you give to the meaning of forgiveness? What it really means, to both forgive and receive forgiveness? You’ll be aware of the many responses or statements referring to forgiveness, such as; I can’t forgive you, I’ll never forgive you, how can I forgive you or there is no way I’m going to forgive you. Or on the more positive side you’ll hear; It’s okay I forgive you, I’ll always find room in my heart to forgive you, it doesn’t matter I forgive you or forgiving you is easier than not. Is this true forgiveness?
So it’s a case of how we respond to the different situations where forgiveness is required. What is it then, regardless of whether or not the response is positive, that causes people to respond differently? Are you a person who always responds in a consistent way when considering your response to forgiving or being asked to forgive? It is a case of your usual behaviours
When you are faced with a situation where you are displeased with an outcome or a person has upset you; perhaps the first thing you expect is an apology. Or it may be it’s a case of chastising them. You’ll see it so many times, where people give their well practiced pose and stand there with a look of, “well, where’s my apology?”
There isn’t really a need for an apology, if you’re a forgiving person. All that’s required is an understanding of what has happened and a realisation, that the behaviour they have demonstrated is just that; a behaviour. It is not a reflection of their identity. They responded in the way they did because, at the time, that was the best way they could think of. Who are we to judge a person about their behaviour; we might even have behaved in a similar way, given those circumstances!
Examples of people showing forgiveness
Consider the following cases where forgiveness has been granted after the individual has undergone a number of years of oppression.
- After 25 years of being in prison and referred to as a terrorist, upon his release Nelson Mandela expressed his unconditional love and forgave the people who had previously been his captors.
- Mahatma Gandhi after being imprisoned for a number of years for his encouragement of non-violent civil disobedience in both South Africa and India he was able to express his unconditional love towards his oppressors and forgive them.
- Rosa Parks an African American civil rights activist, who was well known for her refusal to give up her bus seat for a white passenger. Despite her treatment Rosa was eventually able to show forgiveness.
These are people whose principles, have been or were, underpinned by their strong belief that forgiveness of both their friends and enemies alike, as expressed in the scriptures, is the better option. They saw no purpose in the route of anger and bitterness towards their avengers; all that would achieve is unnecessary unhappiness in their life, followed by illnesses and anxieties. Not forgetting we are on this earth to develop as individuals and work with one another not against each other.
How easy is forgiveness?
I spoke about forgiving somebody in an unconditional love situation in a previous post, “Love – what’s it all about?” you may want to read it. As a reminder the post asked the question, “if your partner cheated on you how would you feel? Could you forgive them?” If you can, why can you? If you can’t, why can’t you?
Forgiveness, how easy is it to forgive somebody. Perhaps people who forgive others have a criteria. What is your criteria for forgiveness? Does it depend who it is? What they’ve done? How did you found out? Wait, hold on a minute, we are talking about unconditional love here, so why should there be a criteria attached to forgiveness? Unconditional love means exactly that, love without any conditions; no matter what the person has done.
If the people mentioned earlier can express unconditional love, why can’t all of us do the same?
Okay, so let’s say you can express unconditional love; how does it all happen? How do you forgive somebody? What do you need to do? Is it as simple as saying, it’s okay I don’t mind? When do you ‘draw the line’ on somebody you think is taking the mickey?
How about understanding? Understanding what love is, understanding the other person, understanding yourself. Also, consider self love. Yes, self love, it’s not such a ‘bad thing’. By learning to love ourselves we can then develop our skills of loving others. Addressing your skills in understanding forgiveness and unconditional love will help support your efforts with your personal growth and self development.
Thank you for reading this post, please let me know what you think and share your experiences. While you’re here please take the time to sign up for the newsletter or alternatively you may prefer to subscribe for regular updates in your favourite reader or by email.
photo credit: andymangold
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by PaulWorswick: New post – Blog update – Forgiveness http://ow.ly/1p7HQo – Please RT…
Nice post Paul. It definitely is hard to forgive somebody if we don't love ourselves. The people that you have mentioned above endured a lot of physical pain and suffering. But they were able to love themselves inside, despite what was going on outside of themselves. This allowed them to forgive the people who caused them to suffer; but at the same time, their forgiveness also gave them a sense of peace and happiness that helped them get through the tough times.
Hulbert,
Thank you for your comment.
Yes I quite agree, forgiveness begins with self love, as with the people mentioned in the post. It's not an easy thing, to forgive your persecutors; however an understanding of love, through self love, must be helpful.
Regards
Paul
Lovely post Paul
Unconditional love and forgiveness are so important in life. It's what separates people like Gandhi from the masses.
My personal trick for me is to never hold a grudge and to forgive always regardless of the mistake
Michael,
It's great to see you back again, thanks for your comment.
I fully agree with you; holding on to something that is for all intents and purposes, meaningless and giving away the power in your life.
Regards
Paul
Ben,
Thanks for your contribution; it's always good to se you here.
Gandhi certainly knew how to make a difference in peoples life; he was the difference!
Regards
Paul
If the great people you list can show forgiveness, then this is surely inspiration for us all.
Matthew,
Thank you for adding your comments.
That's so true. Looking for inspiration from the fine examples mentioned is a sure way to help us with our decisions of showing forgiveness.
Regards
Paul
A lot of questions you have posited here Paul. I like Oscar Wilde's thought on forgiveness:
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
But that's just me.
Marc,
Thank you for your comment and the great Oscar Wilde comment.
Regards
Paul
I think forgiving another completely depends on what they do. In the most extreme of circumstances I don't think I would be able to let go of a grudge. Usually I will not hold nothing against anyone to need to forgive them in the first place, I like to think that it has already happened and just react accordingly.
Ryan,
Thank you for adding your comment and your honesty.
An interesting comment. Why do you think, not just you, people feel it necessary to hold a grudge?
Regards
Paul
hi paul,
loved this post!!
I decided to forgive people who've wronged me and not hold grudges against anyone because I always felt bitter and full of resentment seeing them or thinking about the scenario. I realised the only person I was hurting was myself because they all went about their daily lives as if nothing happened, while I kept punishing myself with the thoughts of anger, frustration and bitternes.
Each time I forgive, there is a sudden release of peace in my heart. I may struggle at times but it's definitely worth making the effort to forgive
I am not sure, I think part of a person holding a grudge is being deeply
hurt and the want to return that hurt more than just settling for leaving it
behind and moving forward with a clean slate.
Ayo,
Thank you for your comment.
Your approach to forgiveness is a fine example that many people could learn from. Thank you for sharing.
Regards
Paul
Beautiful post Paul on a topic I think we all struggle with at times. Your list of inspirational people is a great reminder of what people have forgiven and what is possible for all of us. I think it is a personal process, I used to try and deal with things as quickly as possible, but realised that wasn't always authentic. i'd say it was water under the bridge, but I wouldn't feel it fully sometimes. I have learnt to trust myself more and take things at my own pace. Forgiveness is definately the way to go (it free's you up and none of us are perfect anyway) but I think it's a unique process.
Ryan,
I think your right with your view of why people hold grudges. It's very difficult to forgive; especialy when you've been hurt. It becomes an attack of your identity.
However, I feel a person who is able to forgive another, no matter what, will experience a greater and more satisfying release than a person who holds a grudge. What do you think?
Regards
Paul
Jen,
Thank you for such a well thought out comment.
Yes, I think forgiveness is the way forward, no matter what; it is difficult at times. What makes it more frustrating is, it's those close to you and your loved ones who experience you worst side when you're struggling with the concept of forgiveness.
Thank you for sharing.
Regards
Paul
I agree, I think no one should let anything get to them but when it does
forgiving someone will help you feel enlightened.
Great post Paul!
I really loved this paragraph: “There isn’t really a need for an apology, if you’re a forgiving person. All that’s required is an understanding of what has happened and a realisation, that the behaviour they have demonstrated is just that; a behaviour. It is not a reflection of their identity. They responded in the way they did because, at the time, that was the best way they could think of. Who are we to judge a person about their behaviour; we might even have behaved in a similar way, given those circumstances!”
It is way to easy to try to take the speck out of someone else's eye when all along we have a log in our own! This is something that I learning over time. My first response used to be to judge the person but now I am learning to try to put myself in their shoes. I wrote a similar post recently called “The Olympics, Snowboarding and Second Chances” (http://bit.ly/94FxMl)
Kevin,
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment; it's very much appreciated.
The reference you've made to the speck and the log, I think is from the bible. Where ever it's from from it's very relevant in this situation.
Regards
Paul
Forgiveness is an interesting topic. On one side, I'd like to tell others that I'm the kind of person that forgives… in every situation. And I'm sure many others think the same way as I do. BUT, nothing drastic has happened in my life. Nobody has accidentally or purposefully killed a loved one. It's easy to forgive mistakes in day to day life, but will I really be able to forgive a accidental or purposeful killing? Will others? To this day, I'd still hope I'd be able to forgive.
Great Posting! Very thought provoking!
Thank you for your comment.
I think we would all like to say we could forgive somebody in every situation, however until we've actually been there we don't really know. So it becomes difficult to say, with honesty how we would respond.
Let's hope we respond in the best way we can.
Regards
Paul
I think forgiveness means something different to everyone, true forgiveness is an extremely difficult things to reach depending on the circumstance.
I think forgiveness is often given for a selfish gain, true forgiveness is a very rare occurance.
Excellent post
Paul—I have to say this post really struck me. Right now, I'm going through a lot of personal stuff with a particular individual. This article made me realize that I have to let go of a lot of anger that I have at this moment. The part about about an action being a behavior instead of a reflection of their identity really resonated with what I'm going through.
Anyway, thanks for this…
James,
Thanks for dropping in to add your comments, they are much appreciated. I think your right true forgiveness is a difficult concept. True forgiveness is sometimes claimed to be used, unfortunately it falls way short of the mark. Which is what I think you're saying when you refer to selfish gain.
Regards
Paul
Steve,
Thanks for calling in to comment. i'm pleased to hear you found the post of benefit. Forgiveness entails more than just saying; “I'm sorry”! There are many other things to consider such as anger and understanding.
Regards
Paul
Hi Paul, this is a really difficult topic for me because logically I know and understand the importance of forgiveness and the ability to move forward. What do you do though when faced with an impossible situation of say abuse toward a loved one, where you cannot find it in your heart to forgive the abuser. Is it absolutely necessary to do this?
Maryanne,
Thank you for your comment, it is very much appreciated.
Abuse to a loved one can never be excused and I wouldn't want to be seen to condoning it. Whether forgiveness is absolutely necessary, I can't answer that for the individual. In my opinion I think it's down to the morals and beliefs held by the individuals concerned.
What I would say is that forgiveness is a wonderful gift to be able to give yourself and others. You maybe interested in the following post from Karen Ruby at Meaningful Existence;
http://www.ameaningfulexistence.com/2010/03/01/...
Regards
Paul
Hey Paul,
For some reason the link you gave me didnt work but I started reading a lot of Ruby's work which was really great. I think learning to live with something of this magnitude is perhaps the best a person can do and perhaps over time forgiveness will come.
Cheers
MaryAnn
Hi Paul and MaryAnn,
Not sure why the link didn't work for you, but it works for me. If you go to the main site, http://www.ameaningfulexistence.com you will find the article that Paul refers to.
Paul has a great article about love and forgiveness. But, you do have to be ready to forgive someone, MaryAnn. If you're not ready, then there is no shame in that. We all go through life wishing for things not to have happened to us. But, I do think that you owe it to yourself to try and forgive yourself (if not the other person) because you are the one benefiting from the act of forgiveness.
It's a hard topic to talk about as there are so many different shades of forgiveness, depending on the severity of the acts. It's a worthwhile topic though and there are some discussions here.
Karen
Maryann,
Sorry about the link not working but it seems to be okay now. Thanks for calling back and contributing to the conversation.
Regards
Paul
Karen,
Thank you for adding your support, it's great to see you here.
Regards
Paul
No problem Paul and thanks for inviting me
Yes, still trying to work on the anger part…but I at least I now recognize it as faulty programming that should be eliminated.
Hi Paul, You never stop amazing me and it just seems selfish but today I needed to hear your words of wisdom. I am lost again, and although I am that forgiving person…I wish more were like that too, I cannot control anyone not even their behavior. The reality is much harder to deal with. So here I am, reading inspirational things, taking a step back to really decide what it is I need, what is best for me and stop the insanity of my Chaos..as everyone knows it. Thanks
Thanks for your comment and compliment. I'm pleased to hear you can take something from the post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Regards
Paul