Feb 10
17
Self Esteem
Whilst the definition of self esteem varies a great deal from source to source, the general consensus is that it is a self estimation of your own worth; how you see yourself and fit into the bigger picture. Self esteem is a very powerful thing and can be the root cause of your success or failure; also it is very easy for it to become damaged, if mishandled either purposely or accidentally, by you or another person.
I have written about both self confidence and self esteem in two previous posts; you can read those posts here. Self Confidence and Self Esteem (Part 1) and Self Confidence and Self Esteem (Part 2)
Have you ever been on the receiving end of having your self esteem taking a bashing, or perhaps you know of someone who’s suffered the indignity of such a psychological beating? How can a person be expected to move on with their personal growth if they are suffering from low self esteem?
Whether you’ve experienced it or observed it, the effects are still the same and clear to see; a complete change of personality, approach to life, an awkward body language. In the worst cases a withdrawal from society and friendship groups occurs; when attempts to communicate with others are made any failures merely compound the situation and add to the low self esteem.
So what’s the solution? Probably not as easy as some people might think; it’s not just a case of giving a person a piece of sound advice with the much used phrase, “pull yourself together”.
Confident and certain
You’ll tend to discover that a person who has low self esteem, will be confident and certain about their abilities to be able to do or not do something. So if they say there is no way they can stand up and give a presentation, then that’s exactly what they mean, and no way are you going to change their opinion easily. The solution to this blockage is to encourage them to begin to doubt the certainty in their inability, do this and their self esteem will begin to increase.
If you’re working on your own self esteem, begin by questioning your own decisions and beliefs about your abilities. Use some powerful contradictory questions, such as:
What would it be like if I could do . . . ? (fill in the blank)
What would happen if I could do . . . ? (fill in the blank)
What would I do if I could do . . . ? (fill in the blank)
What would I do first if I could do . . . ? (fill in the blank)
Build trust
Trust is a very powerful tool in many situations, without it self esteem will continue to remain at a low; the difficulty in building it doesn’t make the task any easier. Trust in relationships starts with trust in the self. If you are working with a person who has low self esteem, you will need to build your own trust first, then you can demonstrate to them how they can begin to trust themselves. When this has been achieved trust between the individuals can be developed. A word of warning; all your hard work of building trust will be lost in an instance if you don’t tread carefully.
If you’re building your own self esteem, begin to develop your own self trust in your own abilities. Use small easy and straight forward tasks, within your own privacy initially, as you begin to develop your self esteem move onto larger and more public tasks. Do remember to give yourself time for the changes to take place, be patient with yourself.
Concentrate on what is needed
People with low self esteem tend to concentrate on what they can’t do, rather than what is required and what they can do. Begin by encouraging them to make a list of their skills, what can they do, include everything no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. This will help them to concentrate more on what they can do. Another exercise you can add to this is asking them to list their strengths, this may be a little more difficult. Make sure they don’t make another list of skills; it’s strengths that are needed, what is it that sets them above others. They may need a little help with this exercise.
You can do this exercise on your own if you’re building your own self esteem.
Honesty with success and failure
Many times, not just people with low self esteem, are guilty of a lack of honesty with their true successes and failures. There is a tendency to very easily forget about all their successes and conveniently remember every single failure. Encourage them to identify all successes and accept them as their achievements. Any failures can be recognised as an experience and an opportunity to learn something.
Again you can work on this exercise on your own.
One final thing to remember is if somebody doesn’t want to address their low self esteem then no amount of work with them will move them forward. The desire has got to come from them; when that happens they can continue with their personal development.
Thank you for reading this post, please let me know what you think and share your experiences. While you’re here please take the time to sign up for the newsletter or alternatively you may prefer to subscribe for regular updates in your favourite reader or by email.
Related Posts
Loading ...
View Comments "Self Esteem"
Hi Paul!
Great article, mate. I got a lot out of it, and will no doubt implement some of your ideas into my own life (my personal self-esteem takes quite a battering from me unfortunately).
In my article, Building A Positive Self-Image, I speak about your self-image (self-esteem) as acting like a thermostat keeping you within your comfort zone. And how one of the ways of improving your self-image is to get to know yourself better. Time spent on self-discovery can help your self-esteem greatly.
Great article, really enjoyed it.
Kind regards,
Steve
Nice post on self esteem Paul. I agree with your paragraph on trust. I think before venturing out to other people, we need to first build trust with ourselves. I had this experience in middle school and high school, as I didn't trust myself enough make decisions so I often relied on other people to think for me. I had built my self-esteem based off of other people. I have learned that building self-esteem comes from accepting and trusting oneself first before anything else or it will turn out to be artificial self-esteem that won't last for long.
Social comments and analytics for this post…
This post was mentioned on Twitter by PaulWorswick: Blog update – new post – Self esteem and personal growth | Diary 4 Life http://is.gd/8AXKr Please RT…
Steve,
Thanks for dropping by and commenting.
I think knowing and understanding ourselves more is crucial to raising our self esteem. Time and patience are so important to this process; something many people don't seem to want to give time to.
Regards
Paul
Hulbert,
Thank you for your great comment and sharing your experience.
Yes, I agree trusting yourself is so important to building self esteem, rather than placing your trust in others. A learnt a great deal from Stephen M. R. Covey in his book “The Speed of Trust”.
Regards
Paul
Paul, brilliant.
I have taken a beaten at various stages of my life including the growth of my site. Does it bother me? Yeah of course it does, for about a second then I use that to drive me forward.
It's a difficult situation to be in, especially if you catch others talking about you when they think you can't hear them. Use it as fuel and don't ever let yourself down.
Top work Paul
Walter,
Thank you for your comment. It's great to see you back.
I agree with everything you say, helping somebody to raise their low self esteem requires more than a quick prod. The desire must come from them.
Thank you for sharing.
Regards
Paul
Jen,
Thanks for calling by to add your comment.
Encouragement and feedback are such powerful tools. However, it must be added, there is a skill to giving quality and worthwhile feedback. Inappropriate feedback is probably no better than no feedback.
Thank you for sharing.
Regards
Paul
Ayo,
I'm great thanks, I'm pleased to see you called in to comment.
I agree with your 'add on' about people no being to hard on themselves. I wrote about this in an earlier post, “Achievements”.
Thank you for sharing.
Regards
Paul
James,
What a great comment and from the heart too.
If people are talking about me, it's great to think their lives are so meaningless, that they are talking about the exciting things in my life.
Thank so much for sharing.
Regards
Paul
Most people don't want to give time to anything these days. Your pizza's free if it doesn't arrive within 30 minutes… fast food outlets weren't fast enough for us so they installed “drive-thru”, now you don't even have to get out of your car! What's the shortest unit of time known to man? No it's not a picosecond, or something like that, it's the amount of time from when the traffic light turns green to when the guy behind you starts blasting his horn!
We certainly live in a fast-paced world, but that pace shouldn't be applied to everything. Some things take time. Self-development takes a lifetime.
Kind regards,
Steve
Steve,
You're exactly right.
A good starting point would be 'time out' to sit and think. Take a look at the speed people drive; where on earth are they going, were they need to get there at such a great speed. Learning to slow down and enjoy the life we live in, is of great benefit. Until my partner and I decided on this approach we hadn't realise just what we were missing out on.
Is it that we can't slow down or don't want to?
Thanks for your contribution.
Regards
Paul
Neither. I think it is fear. We're scared that if we slow down we'll miss out on something, or fall behind everyone else.
Steve,
I think you're spot on there; fear. Fear of missing something. Perhaps an understanding that we can't achieve everything, consideration to appreciating the things we have in life.
Regards
Paul
I think this is a great post, especially because of the real application anyone can use for their own life.
I know personally, much of my own self-esteem issues were rooted in lies I believed about myself. Even things that I didn't think were true but actually were.
I think identity is a huge factor in this picture. If you don't know who you are or why you're here, you're just gonna float around, and any jab at you in any sense of the word will be more discouraging. But when we know who we are, nothing can tear us down.
Sadly, many mix up confidence with pride. Coming from a Christian circle, there's such a religious attachment to being “humble” that the word itself has become distorted into a gag reflex. Confidence is necessary. All humility is, is having a proper view of who you really are, not exaggerating it to be greater or lesser than it is. That's why it would be pride to “act” humble.
Wow, sorry for the extra long reply. but dude, I love your blog! I'll definitely add it to my list of cool blogs and keep stopping by. And thanks for the comment on my blog.
Travis,
Thank you for your comment, an honest and open reflection of your own experiences. I agree identity is certainly in on the scene and in a big way. Finding who you are and where you're going is a help with this.
Whilst they seem to be discussed together as a pair, self confidence and self esteem aren't present together. You can have one without the other.
Thanks again.
Regards
Paul
We build positive self esteem with out elf talk. As long as the talk to ourselves in an uplifting manner and tonality you will succeed in defeating your inner demons.
Jonathan,
Thank you for dropping in to add your comment.
You're spot on with your view; positive self talk in an appropriate manner and tone. Talking to yourself as you would like others to talk to you.
Regards
Paul
Great post Paul.
Anyone who wants to conquer fears, build self esteem or improve confidence need to first be convinced within themselves of the fact that they need to change and they can change. When I was younger, I had some very serious confidence problems. I overcame this by constantly focusing on all the goods things I have achieved and can do, regardless of how small it may seem to someone else. I cutoff negative friends and anything else that made me feel less than who I ought to be. I bombarded my thoughts with positive movies, books and documentaries until all I could think about is how great my life can be.
One of the documentaries that helped me is at http://www.thesecret.tv – Although I don't agree with everything that is in it, it played a key role to building my confidence and self esteem when I needed it the most.
Sam,
Thank you for your comment, it's great to see you here.
It's great to read about your experiences with your personal development and the progress you have made. I've seen The Secret and was impressed when I saw it, however I have now progressed and see it merely as a step in my journey.
Thank you for sharing your expereinces.
Regards
Paul
Wow! Thanks for sharing such a good post. Definitely this information will help people in Self Esteem, Personality and Self Development. However I found http://urbanmonkdiaries.wordpress.com/ which also help people in Personality and Self Development, spirituality, urban living and enlightenment.
Thank you for calling in the add your comment; it's great to see you here.
I'm pleased to hear you think the post will help other people.
Regards
Paul